Introduction
In modern society, the practice of dating multiple people simultaneously during the courtship phase has become increasingly common. Fueled by cultural shifts, the rise of dating apps, and media portrayals of romance as a game of choice, many view dating as an opportunity to "keep options open." This approach often treats potential partners as commodities, akin to contestants on a reality show where one selects the "best" option from behind a metaphorical wall. However, this perspective is fundamentally at odds with the principles of authentic love, commitment, and discernment required for a meaningful courtship leading to marriage. Drawing from Catholic Church teaching, Sacred Scripture, and the wisdom of saints, this blog post argues that dating multiple people at once during the courtship phase is detrimental to forming a deep, intentional relationship. Instead, exclusive dating—one person at a time—fosters the emotional, spiritual, and moral clarity necessary for discerning a lifelong partner.
This post will explore the theological, psychological, and practical reasons why dating multiple people simultaneously fails to cultivate authentic love. It will also highlight why exclusive courtship aligns with human dignity and God’s design for relationships. By grounding the discussion in Catholic teaching, biblical principles, and the insights of saints, we will demonstrate that treating people as options undermines the sacred nature of courtship, while exclusive dating honors the uniqueness of each person and prepares couples for the lifelong commitment of marriage.
The Nature of Courtship in Catholic Teaching
Courtship, in the Catholic tradition, is a deliberate and purposeful phase of discernment aimed at determining whether two individuals are called to the vocation of marriage. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) emphasizes that marriage is a sacred covenant, instituted by God, that reflects the unbreakable bond between Christ and His Church (CCC 1601). Courtship, therefore, is not a casual endeavor but a time of serious reflection, prayer, and mutual discovery to assess compatibility for this lifelong commitment.
The Church teaches that love, as the foundation of marriage, is an act of the will that seeks the good of the other (CCC 1766). This love is characterized by self-giving, fidelity, and exclusivity, even in the preparatory stages of courtship. Dating multiple people simultaneously contradicts this vision by fragmenting one’s emotional and spiritual focus. When a person divides their attention among several potential partners, they risk treating each individual as a means to an end—a choice to be evaluated—rather than a unique person created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).
The Catechism further underscores the importance of chastity in relationships, which includes not only physical purity but also purity of intention and affection (CCC 2337). Dating multiple people often involves emotional manipulation, as one may withhold full commitment to keep options open. This approach lacks the sincerity and integrity that chastity demands, as it treats relationships as transactional rather than covenantal.
Biblical Foundations for Exclusive Courtship
Sacred Scripture provides a clear framework for understanding love and relationships in the context of God’s plan. The Bible consistently portrays love as an exclusive, self-sacrificial commitment that mirrors God’s love for humanity. In the Song of Songs, the love between the bride and bridegroom is depicted as singular and all-consuming: “My beloved is mine, and I am his” (Song of Songs 2:16). This mutual belonging reflects the exclusivity that should characterize romantic relationships, even in their early stages.
The New Testament further reinforces this principle. St. Paul describes love as patient, kind, and not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:4-5). Dating multiple people simultaneously often involves self-interest, as it prioritizes personal gratification or security over the good of the other. Such an approach risks reducing love to a superficial exercise in comparison, rather than a genuine pursuit of the other’s well-being.
Jesus Himself emphasizes the importance of wholehearted commitment in relationships. In Matthew 19:4-6, He affirms the indissoluble nature of marriage, rooted in God’s original design: “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” While this passage specifically addresses marriage, its underlying principle applies to courtship: relationships oriented toward marriage should reflect the same exclusivity and intentionality. Treating potential partners as options to be weighed undermines the biblical call to love with undivided devotion.
The Wisdom of the Saints on Love and Discernment
The saints offer profound insights into the nature of love and the importance of intentionality in relationships. St. John Paul II, in his Theology of the Body, emphasizes that love must be personalistic, meaning it respects the inherent dignity of the other as a person, not an object to be used. He writes, “The only adequate response to a person is love” (Wojtyla, 1960). Dating multiple people simultaneously risks objectifying others, as it reduces them to a set of qualities to be compared rather than unique individuals to be cherished.
St. Augustine, reflecting on the nature of love, famously stated, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you” (Augustine, 397). While this speaks primarily of our relationship with God, it also applies to human relationships. The restlessness of dating multiple people often stems from a lack of trust in God’s providence, leading individuals to hedge their bets rather than commit fully to discerning one relationship at a time.
St. Thérèse of Lisieux, known for her “little way” of love, teaches that true love is expressed through small, deliberate acts of self-giving (Thérèse, 1897). In courtship, this translates to focusing one’s attention and affection on a single person, fostering a relationship built on trust and mutual respect. Dating multiple people, by contrast, scatters one’s efforts and dilutes the authenticity of these acts.
The Psychological and Practical Pitfalls of Dating Multiple People
Beyond theological concerns, dating multiple people simultaneously poses significant psychological and practical challenges. Psychologically, humans are wired for deep, meaningful connections rather than superficial interactions. Research in attachment theory, such as the work of Bowlby (1969), suggests that secure relationships require emotional investment and consistency. When a person dates multiple individuals, they split their emotional energy, making it difficult to form a secure bond with any one partner. This can lead to confusion, insecurity, and a lack of trust, as each person senses they are not the sole focus of their partner’s affection.
Practically, dating multiple people complicates the discernment process. Courtship requires time and intentionality to evaluate compatibility in values, goals, and faith. Juggling multiple relationships simultaneously makes it nearly impossible to give each person the attention needed to discern whether they are a suitable partner for marriage. This often results in superficial judgments based on external qualities, such as appearance or charm, rather than deeper attributes like character and shared beliefs.
Moreover, dating multiple people can foster a consumerist mindset, where individuals treat relationships like a marketplace. This approach aligns with what Bauman (2003) describes as “liquid love,” a modern phenomenon where relationships are transient and disposable. Such a mindset is antithetical to the permanence and exclusivity of marriage, as it trains individuals to view partners as interchangeable rather than irreplaceable.
The Superficiality of Treating People as Options
The modern trend of dating multiple people often mirrors the format of reality dating shows, where contestants are pitted against one another, and the “winner” is chosen based on arbitrary criteria. This approach is inherently superficial, as it reduces people to a checklist of qualities rather than recognizing their unique dignity. In Catholic teaching, every person is a gift, created for a unique purpose in God’s plan (CCC 357). Treating potential partners as options to be ranked dehumanizes them and undermines the sacredness of courtship.
This superficiality also erodes trust, a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. When one dates multiple people, they may withhold full transparency or commitment, knowing they are keeping other options open. This dynamic can create a cycle of mistrust, as each partner senses they are not fully valued. As St. Thomas Aquinas notes, love requires a mutual gift of self (Aquinas, 1274). Dating multiple people inherently limits this self-gift, as one’s heart is divided among several individuals.
The Case for Exclusive Dating
In contrast, exclusive dating aligns with the principles of authentic love and discernment. By focusing on one person at a time, individuals can invest fully in understanding their partner’s values, character, and compatibility for marriage. This approach fosters emotional intimacy, trust, and mutual respect, all of which are essential for a strong marital foundation.
Exclusive dating also reflects the biblical call to love with an undivided heart. In Hosea 2:19-20, God speaks of betrothing His people to Himself “in faithfulness.” This fidelity begins in courtship, where exclusivity signals a commitment to discerning marriage with seriousness and integrity. By dating one person at a time, individuals practice the virtues of patience, trust, and selflessness, which prepare them for the lifelong commitment of marriage.
From a practical standpoint, exclusive dating simplifies the discernment process. It allows couples to focus on building a relationship without the distractions of competing interests. This clarity is crucial for evaluating whether a relationship aligns with God’s will. As St. Ignatius of Loyola teaches in his Spiritual Exercises, discernment requires a focused heart and mind to hear God’s voice clearly (Ignatius, 1548).
Counterarguments and Responses
Some may argue that dating multiple people allows individuals to explore their options and make an informed choice about a partner. While discernment involves careful consideration, treating people as options to be sampled undermines their dignity and reduces love to a transaction. True discernment requires depth, not breadth, and this is best achieved through exclusive dating.
Others may claim that dating multiple people is a practical response to the uncertainties of modern relationships. However, this approach often stems from fear or a lack of trust in God’s providence. As Jesus teaches, “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you” (Matthew 6:33). Trusting in God’s plan allows individuals to approach courtship with confidence, rather than hedging their bets.
Conclusion
Dating multiple people simultaneously during the courtship phase is incompatible with the principles of authentic love, as articulated by Catholic Church teaching, Sacred Scripture, and the wisdom of the saints. This approach fragments emotional and spiritual focus, treats people as options, and undermines the trust and intentionality needed for discerning marriage. In contrast, exclusive dating honors the dignity of each person, fosters deep connection, and aligns with God’s design for love as a total, self-giving commitment. By dating one person at a time, individuals cultivate the virtues of fidelity, trust, and discernment, preparing them for the sacred covenant of marriage. In a culture that often reduces love to a game of choice, the Church’s vision of courtship calls us to a higher standard—one that reflects the beauty and permanence of God’s love.
References
- Aquinas, T. (1274). Summa Theologica.
- Augustine of Hippo. (397). Confessions.
- Bauman, Z. (2003). Liquid Love: On the Frailty of Human Bonds. Polity Press.
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
- Catechism of the Catholic Church. (1994). Libreria Editrice Vaticana.
- Holy Bible. New Revised Standard Version, Catholic Edition.
- Ignatius of Loyola. (1548). Spiritual Exercises.
- Thérèse of Lisieux. (1897). Story of a Soul.
- Wojtyla, K. (1960). Love and Responsibility. Ignatius Press.
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